A Not So Balanced Act

Well I had a bit of an epiphany this morning, and it was all connected to my blog ... kinda. So here's to profundity on a Saturday morning! (The advantages of a genetic alarm clock: productive mornings despite yourself or the activities of the night before).

So, it's the new year, right? Resolutions and all that jazz. Not really into it. But I admit, loitering in the back of my head with Mr. Quit Smoking For Good and Ms. Lose That 10 Pounds, is a nagging thought "I should write on my blog more." Alas, this morning I'm pondering the topic of today's self-imposed mandatory writing session and I decide BALANCE should be the subject.

I constantly struggle with who and what receives the devotion of my time. Short attention span may be the culprit. Regardless I seem to always have a lot of balls in the air and I'm always lamenting the fact that none of them gets my full attention. But I've come to grips with that. Or so I thought.

In my head this morning, I'm preparing a written speech of sorts about the importance of trying to keep a balance in life. The kind of thing you expect to hear at graduation ceremonies and other events involving folding chairs and paper fans. For me the balancing act is usually between pursuing music and holding down a full-time day job. (Do you know about my crazy career situation? Where I stumbled into one accidentally? That's a whole blog unto itself.)

See, last night I had dinner with a long-time friend who has set up camp on the far left side of the philosophical fence, shall we say. And we ended up discussing the stimulus package and the economy, the elections, society at large ... all those grand subjects, as usual. In our friendly debate, I found myself sounding very moderate in response, very "realistic," very boring. The words came out of my mouth as I thought them, but then they travelled to my ears and I digested them again thinking, "what a stooge you've become."

This morning, me and my stooge-y self sat down to write a (most likely boring) blog about balance. But as I logged on to Blogger, I noticed a post at the bottom of the page from a blog that I follow about a young musician who's managed to make a living at it. I've been meaning to read this, so I took a moment and clicked and started scrolling down the page ... reading and remembering all the aspirations I seem to be slowly edging away from.

The girl he interviews talks about how she has managed to make a living at music and there's some super helpful info in there about booking and tours, but then she says,

"It's important not to have a backup plan. If you want to be touring, you should not have a job. Make it work. Any time you have a backup plan, you can always fall back on it."

This has been said to me before by my mentor, Ann Ruckert, and struck me again with equal weight, i.e., a ton of bricks. My backup plan has become my life in which I struggle to squeeze in my dreams. And consequently I'm never satisfied. Does that mean I've strayed or I'm just growing up?

I'm not sure of the answer, but I think it's time to re-evaluate. I've worked hard and I've made progress, but I still grapple with the bigger picture. I'm a vice president of a company, and I'm good at what I do, but not necessarily proud. In the world I grew up in, and the circle of friends I maintain, that title doesn't carry any clout. Instead, they want to know if I'm happy and if I'm making the world a better place.

I've bucked that trend the last few years and charted a new course in the world of business, partly because "success" has been handed to me on a silver platter to a certain extent, but my heart's not in it. As logical as balance sounds coming out of my mouth, I don't think I like what it represents when I hear it being said.