I had to make a tough decision about my work this week. Thankfully I had someone around willing to gently point out the fact that I was being an idiot. Because I knew firmly in my gut the decision I should make. Yet my instinct was to not let someone down. Of course, this someone is a service industry employer who doesn't know me from Eve. So why do I feel loyal to someone I haven't even started working for yet?? Go figure! I mean, my parents definitely brought me up to be polite and considerate of other's feelings, but it's not like they said, "Though shalt pucker up whilst facing the derriere." And my brother definitely didn't inherit the trait, so I can't blame parental conditioning.
Being a student again, I've noticed, has brought this bad habit back full force. I'm 30 years old for chrisssakes. Yet, you'd think my next meal depended on me getting an A. Teacher's pet. It's disgusting, really. I got 98 / 100 on my last psychology exam. My professor was kind enough to verbally commend me on my performance. And so the addiction is triggered - I need another gold star - this time a little bigger and shinier! So rather than be complacent or satisfied that I'm doing well in the class, what do I do? Work harder to make sure I get 100 / 100 the next time. I wouldn't want to let the prof down, you know? (And I did. 100/100. No heavenly angels started descending in song, I assure you.)
I'd like to say I have some kind of uncanny drive. And I do consider myself driven and ambitious. But reality is you can't please everybody. It's just not gonna happen. So the priority has to be you. What do you need? What do you want? What are YOU trying to accomplish? (The pangs of guilt are creeping up my toes just writing such selfishness!) Truthfully, I'm afraid those aren't the questions I'm usually asking my 'driven' self. Instead, I'm often being driven by a desire to make everybody happy.
Not the healthiest approach. You do have to look out for yourself. And objectively, I recognize that. Especially in the creative / music world, one is required to regularly perch one's self out on a limb - we're talking precarious, unstable, hanging over the power lines twigs here - every time you perform or promote. Not everybody is going to love you. Anyone in their right mind knows that is reasonable. So you have to get over it. Do what feels right to you - what speaks to you. And quit trying to please everybody. Ultimately, people-pleasing just waters you down as a person, when what makes you stand out, or even - God forbid - 'sell' is uniqueness.
Doesn't have to be a bad thing... right? You're happy about this... right?
I've really been enjoying this blog lately - different specific outlets and context, but the struggles are the same. It's been so encouraging to know I'm not alone in the trenches. Check it out: Birth of a Play(wright)
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